


Can You Hear The Mockingbird?

by Bananase221



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Angsty?, Apologetic Murphy, BAMF Harper, Canon Divergence, Day One - Trauma/Healing, Flower Children - Freeform, Jasper is a loveable idiot, John Murphy Is a Little Shit (The 100), M/M, Mention of Suicide Attemp/Suicidal Thoughts, Mentions of Violence, Murphamy Week 2019, Murphy is invited to have some... fun with Marper, Partial Deafness, Protective Marper, Trauma, Unimpressed Murphy, Vulnerable Murphy, caring bellamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 03:40:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20575847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bananase221/pseuds/Bananase221
Summary: Canon Divergent - Murphy is deaf in one ear as a result of the landmines in the Deadzone and he slowly learns to cope with his disability while also learning how to trust his people. Especially Bellamy."Telling Jasper was the worst decision Murphy thinks he has ever made. Because when Jasper knows, Monty knows. And Monty is too sweet and kind to just be subtle and leave it alone, resulting in Harper finding out and laughing at him before giving him a hug. They followed him around, and he had unwittingly realized that in sharing about his deafness he had accumulated the world’s strangest team of bodyguards. As nice as it is in theory, Murphy was still miserable and vulnerable, and that thought ate away at him every hour of every day."





	Can You Hear The Mockingbird?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I just wanted to say that I know nothing about being deaf, so if there are any inaccuracies, I apologize. I let things be the way they are because I thought it would help the story flow better, so I hope everyone's cool with that! I apologize, though, if you aren't.
> 
> This definitely isn't my best, but I hope everyone still enjoys it because I certainly enjoyed writing it!
> 
> Comments are always welcome!!!

Can You Hear The Mockingbird?

Murphy knew something was wrong. He’d known it since the landmine that killed Harris went off right next to him. He just didn’t want to think about it, about the consequences. He found himself understanding on a deeper level why Raven hated him so much and he felt himself spiraling back to where he was in that damn bunker. He was weaker now and he knew it. He knew it in the way he’d almost taken Emori’s head off when he suddenly saw her out of the corner of his left eye, thinking she was one of his many enemies when he hadn’t heard her walk up behind him. She made sure to stay to his right after that, no questions asked, and he knew she saw the panic in his eyes. Emori had helped him get back to camp, but he couldn’t persuade her to stay, and after all that had happened to him there, he didn’t blame her.

Murphy vowed to keep his weakness a secret, until he’d attacked Jasper when he ran up to him to greet him from the left within ten seconds of his being accepted back into camp after being interrogated by Kane. Jasper was on the ground and bleeding before Murphy was able to register anything that had happened, and he was spewing soft, stuttered apologies in horror as he was dragged away from Jasper, glares and scoffs being directed his way as he was pulled into the Ark.

After five minutes of waiting to see anybody after the guards had left, he was escorted into the medical bay. He avoided Abby’s gaze as she stared at him, arms folded. Jackson leaves and Kane enters, standing at the back of the room as though he was trying to keep his presence hidden.

“John. What was that?” Abby asks, and her voice, Murphy thinks, is uncharacteristically soft.

“Nothing.”

“It didn’t seem like nothing, the way you were apologizing. You seemed surprised.”

“It was an accident.” Murphy’s voice is quiet. He feels himself shaking and realizes just how scared he is.

“An accident? How so?” Her voice is soothing and Murphy feels long-repressed tears burning at the back of his eyes, relieved that someone is taking the time to listen to his side (besides Emori) for once in his life. Kane scoffs and Murphy closes his mouth, looking at the walls. He glances back in time to see Abby give Kane a death-glare. “It’s alright, Murphy. You can tell us. We can try to help you.”

“I didn’t hear him. He took me by surprise… I thought he was…” Murphy trails off as Abby stares intensely at him and he refuses to meet her gaze.

“You thought he was what?”

Murphy turns and stares her dead in the eyes. “A grounder.”

“Why would you think that?”

“Because they’ve found me before.”

Abby doesn’t push that point and Murphy’s grateful for a second until she asks, “What did you mean that you couldn’t hear him? I watched what happened. He said your name and you didn’t even look at him.”

Murphy feels his body begin to shake even harder, desperate to not say it because if he said it then she’d do some tests and then it would be real. “I just didn’t.”

“Murphy. What happened?”

“I couldn’t hear him.”

“And why couldn’t you hear him?” She pressures gently.

“Because I… can’t hear out of my left ear… anymore. Not since…”

“Not since what?”

“Not since the landmines.” He feels his breath begin to come faster and he feels lightheaded, remembering Harris’s arm landing in front of him and then that woman’s body being blown to bits a few seconds later.

Abby lets him take a few deep breaths before continuing. “Murphy, I need you to tell me what happened. It’s going to help me know what I’m looking for when I examine you.”

Murphy has long forgotten about Kane and begins his story. “We were walking in the deadzone… it was night and Harris was talking nonstop… and then suddenly there was a loud explosion and I was on the ground. Harris wasn’t there anymore and there was a loud ringing in my ear, and then Harris’s arm landed in front of us and this woman tried to crawl away but she triggered another one. It exploded and then the ringing stopped. I didn’t realize until a few days later that the ringing stopped because I couldn’t hear… anything out of it…”

Abby was staring at Murphy with a look of sympathy on her face and it made Murphy angry. He hated sympathy. Nothing ever came of it. People just felt bad and then felt better because they felt bad. The never did anything to actually help. “It doesn’t mean that I… that I won’t ever be able to… It doesn’t mean that it’s permanent, right? It doesn’t mean that I’m… deaf… for good, right? It can heal, right? I’ll be able to hear soon and I won’t have to worry about it anymore. I won’t be a burden or a liability, right?” Murphy knew he was spiralling but he just couldn’t stop talking. He knew that if he stopped, she’d be able to speak and he’d get the answer he didn’t want to hear.

“I’m so sorry, John.” Abby says, and her face is pinched and Murphy knows it’s hard for her to see him like this, knowing that it could have been her own daughter, that it was a kid the same age as her own and that it was someone she had possibly grown to see as a son. Murphy had begun to see her as a sort of mother figure, after all. Before they had sent down the 100, she’d been the one who’d patched him up more than once due to his short temper in lockup.

“No. No, it… It can’t be like this… It can’t—” Murphy tries to stop the tears from falling, knowing that surviving will be just that much more difficult now and wishes for a split second that he’d pulled the trigger in the bunker.

Abby pulls him into a hug, squeezing him tight and effectively cutting off his words. He can’t handle it anymore and he releases sob after sob into her shoulder. “You’re going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine.” Murphy could hear the doubt in Abby’s voice despite her attempts to soothe him. First, Raven because of him, and now him. If he believed in any of it, he would think it was some sort of karma. But he knows the truth: sometimes shitty things just happen.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Murphy stayed away after that, keeping to the most protected fences, and making sure to keep his good ear on the camp so they didn’t decide to hang him again. He jumped whenever he saw the movement of a tree or a leaf falling, and he didn’t even bother to ask for a gun. He knew he would end up accidentally killing someone at the rate he’s going, and, once again, end up swinging at the end of a rope. Murphy had asked Abby and Kane to keep things quiet. He had enough people who hated him, and he didn’t want them to take advantage of his new weakness.

“Hey, Jasper. How’re you doing?” Murphy’s voice is quiet as he sits next to the boy in the medical bay. They didn’t get along particularly well, but Murphy had wanted to make sure he knew it was an accident. He knows what it’s like to be attacked and not know the reason, and he didn’t want anyone, not even Jasper, to feel that way.

“Fine.” Jasper looked scared, which Murphy understood, as the last time Jasper saw him with a sick person, Murphy was killing him, but he was determined, so he sighed and put his head in his hands before starting.

“I’m sorry, Jasper. You took me by surprise, and I just reacted. I didn’t notice that I knew you until they were pulling me off you.” Murphy refuses to meet his gaze, and silence falls between the two. Murphy looks up and Jasper is staring at him with big, wide, doe eyes. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I… Just… you _apologized_. To me!” Jasper began to cackle and spew other nonsense as Murphy rolled his eyes.

“You’re not the first person I’ve ever apologized to.” Murphy’s face is growing red with a mixture of anger and embarrassment and he gets up to take off, but is stopped by Jasper’s thin, pale hand on his wrist.

“No, wait, stop. I’m sorry for laughing, it’s just that I’ve never seen you look so not-murderous around me. But really, man, what was up with you?”

“Nothing.”

“C’mon, Murph, we’re buds now and I just want to know what caused your fist in my face.”

“No.”

“You were so on your toes, and you were always aware of everything around you. You think no one noticed, but everyone did. You looked like you were constantly trying to decide if you should run or fight, even before the… banishment. You were worse when you came back.”

“It was so obvious even _you_ were able to see it?”

“Uh… no. Not really. I mean, Monty noticed, and he told me that it was obvious, and after that I was kinda able to tell, but, yeah.”

Murphy surprised himself by letting out a small chuckle. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. I know this is weak coming from me, but I know what it’s like to have something change you. I will never be able to see the woods or trees the same way ever again. I’m constantly afraid. So maybe, being like this will let me help you. So, why did you panic when you saw me?”

“I didn’t see you.”

“When you heard me then.”

“I didn’t hear you.”

“What do you mean? I was screaming at you, how could you possibly not—”

“I _didn’t hear_ you. I couldn’t hear you. Even if I tried.”

“Oh. _Oh_. How? How long? Have you been deaf since you came down here because, man—”

“I’m not deaf, I’m half deaf. And _shut up._ You’re talking to loud. I don’t want anyone to know.”

“_Okay, okay. I’ll be quieter_,” he says, voice lowered, “_but in all honesty, _how_? And were you like this when we first came down?_”

“…no.”

“No? Then when did this happen?”

“When I went to the City of Light with Jaha. A couple of landmines exploded and killed a couple people, and I didn’t realize until after I was locked inside the bunker that I couldn’t hear out of my left ear. I can’t hear things coming up behind me or on my left as well anymore, if at all.

“Wow. How did you find out?”

“I almost took my traveling partner’s –friend’s— head off when she tried to surprise me.”

“That sucks man.”

“Yeah. It does.” Murphy smiles tightly at Jasper. “Please don’t tell anyone else. I don’t need people coming for me now that they know I can’t hear them coming.”

“No problemo, man. I’ve got you covered!” Jasper gives him a thumbs up, grinning through his split lip.

Listening to him was the worst decision Murphy thinks he has ever made. Because when Jasper knows, Monty knows. And Monty is too _sweet_ and _kind_ to just be subtle and leave it alone, resulting in Harper finding out and laughing at him before giving him a hug. They followed him around, and he had unwittingly realized that in sharing about his deafness he had accumulated the world’s strangest team of bodyguards. As nice as it is in theory, Murphy was still miserable and vulnerable, and that thought ate away at him every hour of every day that one of them (in particular Harper, because, let’s be honest, the other two weren’t much into fighting) wasn’t around.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone was on work detail and Murphy was jumpy as he paced the fence, more paranoid than usual due to the Grounder sighting earlier. He fixated his gaze on the woods, his good ear pointed in that direction, because at this point people were less likely to kill him inside than outside due to the most harmless skypeople taking him under their protection. He was pretty sure they didn’t bother him as much because they were afraid that if they did Harper might string them up in response, and Murphy didn’t blame them. He was officially one of the Flower Children and he wasn’t completely sure how he felt about it. Mostly unimpressed. Jasper literally made him a flower crown one day. Murphy tolerated it for the total of a minute before, thorns and all, the crown was shoved down the front of Jasper’s shirt.

“_Murphy_.” Murphy heard his name faintly, and the next thing he knew there was a fist coming at his face and his heart rate spiked, breath going shaky, as he knocked the hand away and sent his right fist at the person’s face. His fist was grabbed by the person in front of him and he was just about to pull away and run when he looked up at the stranger and froze, wide eyed, breathing wildly.

Bellamy was staring back at him, mouth gaping in surprise, still clutching Murphy’s hand as they stared at each other. Murphy was so filled with relief that his body lost tension all at once and he collapsed to his knees, breaking into barely stifled sobs that caused his breathing to quicken again as he began to hyperventilate. He couldn’t tell if it was part of a panic attack or just sheer relief. He takes a deep breath. And another. He looks up from the ground and into a frozen Bellamy’s still shocked eyes, his mouth opening and closing a few times as he just stared at the boy in front of him. “The hell are you staring at, _Blake_.” Murphy’s voice isn’t as edgy as he wanted it to be, hoarse and raspy and slightly winded as he pulls his limbs against himself, tucking away mentally and physically from Bellamy’s scrutiny. He makes sure his good ear is pointed at the elder Blake so he’s not taken by surprise again.

“I…I was just calling you. You didn’t hear me?”

“’Course I did.” Murphy glared at the dirt. _I fucking hate dirt_, Murphy thinks. He hadn’t realized it until now, but dirt sucks.

The hand on his left shoulder startles him, and he shoves it away, trying to play it off as nothing, wondering when Bellamy walked around him to where he’s crouching beside him, too close to his bad ear. He turns his body, brushing it off as irritation as he puts Bellamy back on his good side. He feels Bellamy’s eyes on him as he stills, refusing to look at the dark-haired man. “I don’t think you did.” Bellamy’s voice is soft, gentle in a way that Murphy hasn’t heard it since before Bellamy believed the mob. Murphy scoffs and looks up. _Mistake_, he thinks, because Bellamy’s eyes are as gentle as his voice and Murphy is thrown back into the memory of Bellamy’s arms around him that makes him want to poke Bellamy right in his pretty brown eyes.

“Go float yourself.” Murphy pulls himself to his feet, turning his back mostly to Bellamy as he tries to walk back to camp, to Jasper, to Monty, to Harper, to _anybody_ at this point that’s not Blake.

“Murphy, wait.” Bellamy grabs at his arm and Murphy turns, angry at the constant attempts at restraining him.

“WHAT! What could you _possibly_ want, Bellamy?!”

“The truth, Murphy.”

“You’re a coward.”

“Murphy.” Bellamy’s voice is a growl and Murphy rolls his eyes.

“You said you wanted the truth.” Murphy shrugs his shoulders, a bitter smirk carved across his face.

“Tell me what the hell is wrong, or I will make sure you don’t get to leave camp.” Bellamy’s voice peters off for a moment and Murphy looks up, shocked to see a look of clarity across Bellamy’s features and he feels the sharp spark of fear in his gut. “Does this have something to do with the Jasper thing?”

“I thought you were on a hunt at the time.” Murphy forces his face to remain easy while his chest tightens.

“I was. Your colourful reappearance was widely talked about, though.”

“It has nothing to do with the Jasper thing. I just hate his face.”

“Then why are you constantly around him?”

“Keeping tabs on me, Blake? I’m flattered.” Murphy’s eyeroll was apparently the last straw for Bellamy because he was manhandling Murphy by his jacket shoulders a second later, shaking him slightly.

“Murphy. _Please_. Just tell me the truth.”

“Like when you accused me of murdering Wells?”

“No.” Bellamy’s voice is quiet, and Murphy feels a spark of satisfaction at the guilt in the older man’s eyes.

“No thanks.” Murphy lets his voice bite now that he’s no longer panicking and turns once again to walk away.

“I’m sorry, Murphy. You deserved better and I was a coward and I shouldn’t have let them accuse you and I never should have kicked that crate.” Murphy stops because Bellamy’s voice is more heartbroken than he’s ever heard it. More than the night that Octavia rejected everything that Bellamy did for her, and more than the night Bellamy apologized to Murphy over yelling at him around the fire when he’d spoken badly about Octavia, still angry from seeing Bellamy broken the night before.

“Why now? Why not when I came back from the Grounder camp? Why not before I tried to hang you?” Murphy feels like he can’t breathe, the feelings of pain and hurt, and all of the thoughts that he’d had coming rushing to the surface in an overwhelming wave.

“I… I couldn’t.” Bellamy’s voice is hard until it cracks at the end of the sentence.

“Yes, you could’ve. But you didn’t.”

“I didn’t want to accept it.”

“Me.”

“That I cared.”

“You didn’t care.”

“I did.”

“Oh.” Murphy nods tucking his head down, feeling more hurt than he expected cut at him knowing now that he’s made himself unlovable. That if he’d just been a little better Bellamy might still care. Might even love him.

“I still care.” Bellamy’s voice is soft and gentle again and Murphy feels too many emotions at the hope in his eyes that he feels short of breath again.

“Bellamy…”

“Please, tell me what’s wrong.” Bellamy pleads.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

“I am.”

“I know there’s something wrong with your ear, Murphy. What happened?”

“_Nothing_.”

“_Something_.”

“JUST STOP.” Murphy’s heart is working in a frenzy and he knows a panic attack is inevitable.

“NO. I won’t stop. Because no matter how poorly I have shown it in the past, I care about you, Murphy, and I want to make sure you’re not going to go and get yourself killed.” Bellamy’s large body moves closer to Murphy and he wants to sink into the familiar arms as fear gnaws at him.

“FINE.” Tears are leaking from his eyes, his pulse is wild, and his breathing is shaky.

“Fine?”

“Fine… It was a landmine.”

“What happened, Murphy?” Bellamy moves slowly closer still, and Murphy’s breathing calms ever so slightly. Murphy watches Bellamy study him, watches him move closer and slowly slide a gentle arm over Murphy’s tense shoulders until he’s seated next to him and holding him close in a protective embrace.

“We were walking in the deadzone towards the City of Light. Harris was talking nonstop and it was driving me insane. I remember thinking that if he doesn’t stop I was going to beat him to death with Jaha’s staff. The next second there was an explosion and parts of Harris were scattered everywhere, on everyone, and I was right next to him and I was on the ground. My ears were ringing. And then this other girl freaked out over Harris and crawled backwards into another landmine and she was gone too, and my ears weren’t ringing anymore. I didn’t think too much of it. No one really spoke for a while afterwards that I’d noticed and soon I was locked inside the bunker. I didn’t notice until Emori found me again after I escaped.” Murphy’s voice was slow but hard, eyes focussed forward, trying to hold onto his pride. Bellamy’s eyes never left his face while he told the story.

“So what does that mean then? That you’re… deaf? But you can hear me usually?” Bellamy’s voice is still gentle, but forceful, and it made Murphy feel less pathetic.

“Yeah. I… Dr. Griffin did some tests with me after I attacked Jasper. She says that I’m completely deaf in my left ear.”

“Is it… can we fix it?”

“No… she… she says that it’s permanent. I have less chance of making it now. Just like Raven.” Murphy smiles sadly, and Bellamy frowns.

“You and Raven are both going to be fine. Now that people know, we can help you, Murphy. I can help you. Not just, no offense, Jasper, Monty, and Harper.”

“Harper and Monty are fantastic. Jasper’s an idiot.”

“Monty and Jasper are both peacekeepers.”

“At least Monty’s contributed more than just moonshine.” Murphy glares at Bellamy.

Bellamy lets out a small chuckle. “Should I be jealous?”

“No. Harper would kill me.”

“That makes me feel better.”

“You’re the only one I’ve ever fucked, and you’re the only one I _would_ ever fuck. Which is why I turned down that one night with Monty and Harper.”

“The _what_?!” Bellamy’s eyes are wide.

“What? Harper and Monty think I’m cute. You’re not the only one with eyes. And they both like charity cases. And they both like that I’m a hardcore bottom since Monty’s… _versatile_.” Murphy smirks slightly at the drop-jawed older man.

“They _told_ you all of that?”

“They didn’t _have_ to _tell_ me.” Murphy smiles more brightly.

“You’re disgusting.” Bellamy grins and leans in as though he’s going to kiss Murphy before he pauses, and Murphy sees the realization in his eyes that it’s been so long since he’s kissed Murphy that he might not welcome it.

Murphy watches Bellamy hesitate over the decision and gently moves his face the rest of the way, giving Bellamy a soft kiss. Murphy smiles as Bellamy leans closer, pulls him tight against him, and puts his hand behind Murphy’s neck, kissing him back with more passion and acceptance than Murphy has ever felt before. He knows that things won't be okay right away, but for the first time, he knows that soon it can be, as long as he has help, and as long as he has people who care. And Bellamy looking at him the way that he always used to before everything went to shit is a nice bonus, he thinks. 


End file.
